Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
