I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
