Me. At least after what I've been through.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
