the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
