im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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