Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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