I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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