I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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