i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
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