Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
