If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
