that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
