The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
