I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Randomize
