Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
