So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
