Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
