Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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