That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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