This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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