On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
