I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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