We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
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