DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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