I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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