What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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