I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"