Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'