My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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