Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Randomize
