Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
