Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
