first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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