just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
