just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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