i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
