Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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