i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
