I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
