I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
