Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
This house was built for laser tag.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
