How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize