I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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