Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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