i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
