Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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