my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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