i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
