Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
