So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
