6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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