he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
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All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
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She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.