i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.