I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
These 29 Nasty People Went To The Bathroom In Public
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
19 People Who Had An Inappropriate Celebrity Encounter
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.