If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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