she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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