god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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