I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
