i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
