i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
