Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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